Episode 77: Tip for Panera

Panera is one of my favorite places to eat, mostly because I don't ever feel sick after eating there. They used to play classical music too, which made me feel mature and sophisticated, as opposed to all those other places with TVs everywhere and pop music blaring. In any case, I even used to like talking to the people who worked at my favorite Panera, which is a big step for me. I don't even like talking to people I know. Everything was going so well for a while. I felt like Panera was really helping me develop my social interaction skills.

That all changed when someone at Panera decided it would be a good idea to add a question to every credit card transaction. "Would you like to add a tip?"

Wait, what?!

Don't we usually add tips after service has been rendered? How can you ask me to leave a tip before I know how good the service will be? What if I leave a tip and I get terrible service? What if I don't leave a tip and I get exceptional service?

Isn't this actually more like extortion?

Hmm, just a second...Siri, what does extortion mean?

...

Yep, it's just like that. It is just like a shakedown. Do you want good service or bad service? Do you want us to get your order right, or screw it all up? Oh, we'll take good care of you, for a price.

I panic and just hit NO if I ever actually have to order at the counter, because hitting YES leads to a math question, and I'm terrible at math. Thankfully my favorite Panera also has kiosks where I can order without ever having to talk to anyone, so I can avoid the whole awkward exchange. This has set my social interaction development way back. Why, Panera, why?

Here's a tip for you, Panera. Rather than asking us to tip before we get our food, why don't you just raise the prices and pay your employees a bit more? Why don't you tip your employees? Or just keep asking that awkward question so everyone feels uncomfortable at the end of every transaction.

Episode 62: The System is Down

“Every bite is pure joy.”  That little tidbit of knowledge came from my McDonalds bag today. It also informed me the reason I “get so much pleasure out of a McDonald’s hamburger,” is because McDonalds uses 100% pure beef.  It didn’t really do me any good today with my slightly warm dried out crispy chicken sandwich, but it did make me feel better about the last time I enjoyed a somewhat warm paper-thin slice of beef from them.  I know it sounds like I’m complaining, but Im…(okay, my iPhone can automatically insert those stupid apostrophes whenever I type “Im” so why can’t my computer?  My phone is now smarter than my computer.)…Where was I? Ah yes, I’m really not complaining about the food at McDonalds.  I knew what I was getting into.  If I wanted real food I would have gone to a real restaurant or made some myself.  What I wanted was to get some food without having to engage much of my brain or get out of my car.  I did get that, almost.  You see, the McDonalds I visited to day changed the system. 

It would seem I am not so good with adjusting quickly to new systems.  There were real people outside taking orders and payment.  It wasn’t so bad giving my order to a real person.  Ive…(There again, my phone is smarter than my computer, stupid computer. Im leaving it that way just out of spite.)…given my order to real people before.  It shouldn’t have been a big deal to give my money to a person either, I do that all the time.  What confused the system is the person taking the money was outside, all the way outside, not just holding an appendage out a window.  Well, when she gave me my change and said, “Have a nice day,” or something of the sort, I thanked her and drove off.  Shortly thereafter I realized even though she was a person and was my second interaction at the drive-through, she was not, in fact, the person who handed out the food.  The person at the window handing out the food knew this and was watching from the little window as I pulled over, backed up, got out of my car, and went inside to get my food.  That whole system broke down.  I had to do one of the very things I wanted to avoid.  Don’t they know the whole reason I go through the drive-through is because I want to avoid people and physical exertion?  I guess I just need to pay more attention, especially when things start changing. 

Paying attention is how I came across the very informative messages on my McDonald’s bag.  I always wondered why I got so much pleasure out of a poor excuse for a hamburger, and now I know.  We should all pay attention to the message printed on shopping bags, receipts, and other such things because that is how we find out what we should like, what we do like, and why we do like it.  Wherever would we be without the help of the mushy-brained kooks writing helpful message all over everything?

Episode 44: Carnivores Versus Herbivores

So we were in the car on our way to a lake or some such summery place, and we passed a field in which some cows were grazing. My son looked out at them and asked, “Do cows eat other cows?” “No,” I replied, “cows are herbivores.” With those few words, I sealed my fate for the rest of the drive.

“What are herbivores?”

“Herbivores are animals that only eat plants and grass and such.”

“Do cows eat grass?”

“Yes, because they are herbivores.”

“What do tigers eat?”

“Tigers eat meat, so they are carnivores.”

“What are carnivores?”

“Carnivores are animals that eat meat.”

“What’s meat?”

“Hey, is that another cow?”

“Do cows eat meat?”

“No, cows are herbivores, so they only eat plants and grass.”

“Do tigers eat cows?”

“Probably not, tigers probably eat mostly smaller animals.”

“What kind of animals?”

“Probably herbivores.”

“What are herbivores.”

“Animals that eat plants and such, just like cows.”

“Do tigers eat grass?”

This went on for some time, but I am quite sure I wasn’t sure whether cows ate tigers or grass by the end of it.  In any case, it made me wonder who would win in a big gangland-style brawl between herbivores and carnivores. Sure, the carnivores have sharper teeth and worse attitudes, but there are some pretty big herbivores.

Speaking of big things and eating, did you know the biggest chocolate heart weighed 7 tons? The largest pizza was just over 122 feet in diameter. The largest Pierogi weighed 93 pounds. And just what is a Pierogi? Well, the experts at Wikipedia tell me it is some sort of Slavic dumpling-type creation stuffed with “varying” ingredients, I guess that makes the recipe pretty simple:

1.       Make Slavic dumpling-type thing.

2.       Stuff dumpling-type thing with whatever you can find around the kitchen.

3.       …(I didn’t get any further with the Wikipedia experts, but I assume you cook them somehow, or maybe not, but eventually you eat them…maybe.)

In any case, I wonder what the makers of these gigantic food items do with them. Maybe they use them for school lunches and such, which brings us no closer to who would win between carnivores and herbivores. I am open to hearing arguments from both sides before I make my final hypothesis.