Episode 18: Super Heroes and Flatulence

This weekend I learned my daughter has super hero-like hearing. It was very exciting until I figured out the horrible truth. As we were driving home from somewhere (somewhere very fun like the zoo or the park, not the dentist or something not fun like that) the kids were secured snuggly in their car seats trying to open and close the windows with their toes and singing along with something in the cd player (probably music).


Suddenly Ani stopped her banter abruptly to announce, “I hear smoke.”


Oh, I tried with all my auditory might, but all I could hear was traffic and the wind blowing past the partially open sunroof. I was so proud. My daughter, a super hero with a super human sense of hearing, which only seemed to be diminished by the sound of her parents’ voices asking her to do something she preferred not to do or not to do something she preferred to do. How would I try to cultivate her gift and at the same time protect her from thinking herself a freak of nature? How would I teach her to use her powers for good instead of evil? So many questions flapped around my brain like birds startled by a gigantic mangy dog running through their midst.


Then it happened. I smelled smoke. My world came crashing back down. Ani was no super hero. She did not have a super human sense of smell. She just thought her ears were for smelling.


Speaking of super heroes and the like, someone this week brought my attention to aardvarks (thanks John). Have you ever really noticed them? They live in Africa and you live in Indiana (or somewhere else that is not Indiana) so I assume you have not (unless the somewhere else you live happens to be Africa). They have no enamel on their teeth, so their teeth continually wear down and then grow back. Man, that surely would save on expenses at the dentist. They also have the ability to seal their nostrils, in case they are attacked by skunks or something. They really are very interesting hairless funny-looking termite-eating critters.


Since not all of us can do cool things like hear smoke, grow new teeth all the time, or seal our noses, here is some good news for us average folks. You use more than 70 muscles just to say a single word. That word is Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but that is beside the point. Think of all the exercise telemarketers are getting. Don’t be mad next time they call you; they are just trying to get some exercise. Ask them about their lives, their grandmothers, their pets, their past criminal activities, anything to keep them talking. Think of their health, and don’t pay any attention to the nonsense about what they are selling.

Remembering the Great Depression

Okay, times are tough today, but we certainly have not yet reached the level of hardship endured during the Great Depression.

"Growing up during the Great Depression means a lot of change for Kit Kittredge...She has to start wearing dresses made from feed sacks to save money...But Kit is clever and resourceful, and she works hard to help her family make ends meet."

For instance, when her parents are overpowered by the seductive influences of mushy-brained kooks who convince them to buy her a $100 doll by which to remember their dire financial struggles during the Great Depression, she declines and instead makes one for herself. At least that is what should happen. Kit is an American Girl doll, and American Girl dolls are apparently made on the International Space Station, where labor is very pricy (even though all those astronauts are bored out of their minds floating around all day waiting for their replacements to come so they can stop inhaling their own urine when they miss the toilet.) In any case, I have it on good authority you can take your American Girl doll to an American Girl Palace and pay ridiculous amounts of money to have her hair done, to see a doctor, or to do other things an inanimate object is incapable of perceiving, let alone enjoying. Now, I can see this work for say a Britney Spears American Girl doll, but a Great Depression American Girl doll? Really? You should learn about how people lived during the Great Depression by buying over-priced dolls and treating them to doll spas? And who works at these little doll spas? I am not one to criticize people's work, because we all do what we have to so we can pay bills, but I am pretty sure making a living doing dolls' hair and working in a doll hospital makes about as much sense as...well, nothing I guess. I am actually at a loss here.

In any case, if you have an American Girl doll, or several American Girl dolls, I am not trying to criticize you. In fact, only someone with such a high degree of insight and economic foresight could appreciate the business opportunity I have. All you need to do is send me a check for $1000 to get started. For that low investment, I will send you loads of information about how you can make money convincing other people to give you money to learn how to convince other people to give them money to learn how to convince even more people to give even more money to convince other people to...It really is a no-fail way to make lots of money. So get started today!

For those of you wondering how it is I know anything at all about American Girl Dolls, let me tell you about aardwolves. Aardwolves you say? Yes, aardwolves. They are actually real, despite the tone of the column up to this point. They are part of the hyena family, which means they are quite unattractive even though they have hair, something they never fail to bring up when they encounter a silly little bald aardvark. Ah, so many funny little critters out there.