Episode 59: Only in California

Let me just apologize in advance to those of you who live in California, not for the content of this column, but for the fact that you live in California. No one should be subjected to such absurdities as seem to proliferate in your state. I have noted the amusing warning labels and signs on products “known by the state of California” to cause one sort of heinous debilitating ailment or another, and I have wondered at how California seems to know so much more about the dangers of everything than any other state.

The latest bleeding edge research from California has uncovered a plot against the children of our fair nation by none other than that too-happy clown and his fast food at McDonald’s. Yes, that’s right, McDonalds, it would seem, is single-handedly making all America’s children fat, despite the best efforts of well-meaning parents who try their very valiantly to convince their children to choose someplace other than McDonalds to eat every day. Sure, McDonald’s has salads, but they don’t come with toys now do they? How in the world is a parent to combat such diabolical strategies as putting toys in Happy Meals?

Well, the grand and progressive city of San Francisco is not making parents deal with such viciousness alone. They are planning to ban Happy Meals in the coming year. Clearly they wanted to show the 41-year-old mother of two currently suing McDonald’s for having toys in Happy Meals, or making Happy Meals bad for kids, or tricking her into feeding her children fatty foods, or forcing her against her will to bend to the will of her children, or something like that, that she is not fighting the good fight alone. Whatever fight it is she is fighting, it is awful and I am sure she deserves millions of dollars to ease her pain at being an inept parent who cannot say no to the minors under her care…uh, I mean for the pain and suffering of watching her poor children balloon up because she is powerless against the siren song of Happy Meal toys.

The great thing is it is a class action lawsuit, which means maybe we can all get in on it. Have your kid’s used screaming and crying and pouting to force you to McDonald’s, and once there used said tactics again to force you to buy them Happy Meals because of the toys that come in said Happy Meals, and are your kids now fat because you find yourself at McDonald’s three times a day and you lack the will to fight against all the pervasive advertising? Well, sign yourself up for this class action suit and you too can make a few extra bucks, but don’t tell your kids or they will just make you spend it on something they want.

Seriously people, it is called parenting* and it is what you do when you become a parent, unless you are still mostly a child yourself, in which case you hope someone will just make laws to remove the chance of making poor choices so you don’t have to exercise any amount of will power of your own. If we don’t have to choose, we won’t learn how to choose, and if we don’t learn how to choose, we will choose poorly when we finally do have to choose.

* Parenting is known by the state of California to cause discomfort sometimes leading to anguish and should be avoided whenever possible. If you encounter parenting or suffer the symptoms of parenting, move to California where we leave the parenting to the state government so you can enjoy your childhood well into adulthood.

Episode 57: Hospitals and Cars

I noticed a new billboard for a hospital as I was texting and eating and singing along to the radio and yelling at all the other drivers who don’t know how to drive.

Does anyone else remember when billboards used to be the only real distraction on the highways? Driving used to be fun…because the radio didn’t really get louder than the road noise or the wind through the open windows, which had to be open because the AC didn’t really work, and eating was something you did around a table in a house with walls to which the telephones were attached. Ah the good old days.

Anyway, this billboard proclaimed that the hospital’s ER was “Always open.” Um, isn’t that pretty much like McDonalds putting up a big billboard saying, “We serve food?” (Without the question mark of course, but grammatical rules being what they are I have to include it within the quotes even though it is not actually part of the quote. Although, given the quality of fast food, it could actually also be presented as a valid question.)  Aren’t ERs supposed to be open all the time?

“Oh Timmy, I am sorry you got your leg gnawed off by a rabid honey badger that somehow hopped a boat from Australia, or from wherever it is rabid honey badgers come, but the ER is closed, so you are just going to have to writhe around there on the stoop until it opens again, and then you are number 5 in line after all the ambulances already waiting here.”

Maybe that billboard was actually written by an Eastern European mushy-brained kook. Over there the ERs may or may not be open at night and there may or may not actually be doctors there even if they are open. And if they are open and there are doctors there who feel like helping you and have the right equipment to do so, you are very likely to be paraded around naked in front of everyone else, which would be embarrassing if every other patient didn’t get the same privilege. Those crazy Europeans and their lack of privacy concerns; their doctors may not be as concerned about helping people in the middle of the night, or about making sure their patients are clothed, but they make some pretty nice cars, speaking of which, the British have a very entertaining car show called Top Gear. Those of you who like cars will likely find it more entertaining, but everyone can appreciate the ridiculous stunts and shenanigans the three hosts undertake.

Episode 54: I Just Saved $45.02

That’s right, I just saved $45.02! How, how could you too save $45.02? I am sure that question is picking at your brain like the woodpecker that insists on terrorizing a certain corner of my house with his rat-tat-tat-tatting all the time. Well, it is thanks to another brilliant mushy-brained kook strategy, of course.

You see, I had to spend $50 (on $95.02 worth of merchandise it would seem) in order to save that $45.02, but really that’s like I only spent about $5 right, what with my savings? Math has never been my strong suit, so I am a little fuzzy on that part. In any case, the lady manning the register (Now that’s an interesting complication to our fair language isn’t it? I guess she would have to be “womanning” the register. I guess to be politically correct she would have to “person” the register. I would have used “people,” but it would be tiny people indeed who could “people” a cash register. Maybe that is exactly how cash registers really work. Sure there is all this talk about computers and circuit boards and nanotechnology and all that, but what if all that stuff is really run by scads of tiny people? Just something to ponder, along with the thought that our language only makes sense until you try to use it.) was very happy to make sure I knew how much money I saved by spending money at that store.

What a great way to get people to save their money. How exciting! It makes me feel very fiscally responsible. I am going to try to save lots more money now that I know how to do it. In no time at all I am sure I can save up enough money to buy that motorcycle. All I have to do is buy more stuff on sale. That Dave Ramsey guy and all his “don’t buy that” attitude, what does he know? I have the receipts to prove how much money I saved…all I have to do now is find out where they are keeping it. I better keep all my receipts so I have documentation about my balance. I am sure they are honest, but one can never be too careful.

Episode 58: Records

Not surprisingly, the Guinness Book of World Records has its roots in beer and guns, which may explain all of the crazy things people do to get a Guinness World Record. What might be surprising is that the bear and guns were in Ireland instead of Wisconsin. In any case, as the story goes, some executive at the Guinness Brewery got into an argument at a shooting party about what was the fastest game bird. Back then (which is to say 1951) people were far more polite, so a bunch of guys with guns arguing about birds would not lead to a shootout like it would today. It was probably a good day for the birds, what with the hunters spending their time arguing and searching the library rather than shooting at birds, but it was not such a good day for the guy wondering what bird was the fastest. He could not find anything in his library, so he decided someone should write a book where people could find out what were the fastest, strongest, slowest, tallest, shortest, newest, oldest, hairiest, etc., creatures and things out there. So he did.


What started as a quest for the fastest game bird in Europe led to the fastest 100 meter hurdles sprint while wearing swim fins (22.35 seconds). What, why would someone want to run on land while wearing swim fins? The answer to that, of course, is the same reason someone would want to ride a bike 214 feet under water. If you want a world record, you can try to be faster or stronger than everyone else in the world (good luck on that one), or you can just try to do something so ridiculous no one else would want to do it. The latter seems to be the strategy most world record holders have employed.

• Largest pocket knife – 12 feet 8 inches tall when open (Is that really still a pocket knife?)
• Tightest frying pan roll in 30 seconds – 17.46 centimeters (Some guy actually rolled up an aluminum frying pan with his bare hands the way the rest of us might roll up a newspaper, but probably with more grunting and straining. )
• Longest distance pulled by a horse – full-body burn – 1551 feet 2 inches (Picture a guy on fire being pulled around by a horse. Before that, picture that same guy with a few of his friends drinking way too much Hungarian beer and daring each other to do ridiculous things and you might be close to how this idea was conceived.)
• Heaviest weight pulled with eye sockets – 907 pounds (Uh, my guess is Hungarian beer was involved in this one too.)
• Farthest milk squirting from eye – 9 feet 2 inches (I would say this involved Hungarian beer too, but I am leaning more towards something a little stronger in this case.)

So, if you want to get your name immortalized in the Guinness World Records, gather a group of your most creative and least responsible friends, drink a lot of Hungarian beer, and have a brainstorming session. Odds are pretty good what comes out of that session is likely to be something that will immortalize you in the hallowed halls of Guinness World Records. I mean, anyone can try to run really fast, but how many people will put on a tutu and lumber jack boots, and then try to run really fast backwards through four feet of slurry composed of lemon pudding, Dijon mustard, Tabasco sauce, and rotting fish heads while reciting the Bill of Rights? What would you rather watch?